Our family faces a similar struggle. My daughters haven’t been particularly challenging to train to be quiet sitters. This really hasn’t been because of anything that we have done or not done, they just have personalities that do well with following directions and being quiet when necessary. While we continue to work with them on being active participants in worship, the struggle that dominates our family’s worship is really with our son. Our Liam is 7 years old and is completely non-verbal and relies on his wheelchair and us to move him around. You might imagine that a person who is non-verbal is very quiet, but that is absolutely not true in Liam’s case. Liam is incredibly vocal. He knows the things that he wants and does not want and he is eager to let those around him know. If he likes something he might yell his noisy and long-lasting yells over and over again while twisting his hands around in the air or flapping his arms. If he is upset he will cry. Liam often just enjoys making noise. At these times, he doesn’t do it as communication. He doesn’t even seem to care if people pay attention or not. He just likes to make noise. (Maybe he is like many of us verbal folks who love the sound of our own voices?) Liam especially seems to like to make noise when his surroundings are quiet.
In addition to Liam’s vocal habits, he is very sensitive to noises around him. He doesn’t do well in unfamiliar settings. There are many sensory things that bother Liam: lights that are too bright or buzz, loud noises that overwhelm him, too many people, ceilings that are too high or too low, room temperatures that are too warm or too cold, perfumes that are strong, and many others. Any of these things can cause him to be anxious or upset. He might show that he is upset by being quiet and still. He also might show it by crying easily and becoming very upset.
Worshipping with
Liam can be a challenge. In addition to
his noise level and his sensitivities, the logistics of bringing a wheelchair
into a church can be challenging as well. The biggest part of this challenge is
knowing that Liam won’t outgrow it and become independent. This isn’t a temporary challenge like a baby
or a toddler. “This too shall pass…”
does not apply. Trying to find a way for our family to worship with Liam will be a long-term and on-going part of our lives. Almost every special needs family faces a similar challenge. I am sharing this in hopes that it will encourage others or give those of you who face similar challenges some ideas.
There was a very short time when our family was not worshipping together. It had become too difficult. We were members at a church with a beautiful, but old church building. The aisles were too narrow for a wheelchair to remain during the service and the 4 cut out spots for wheelchairs were near large structural posts that made it impossible for Liam to see anything. Liam had become heavy enough that carrying him into church was becoming too much for Juerg and was impossible for me. The church had dim lighting and a very low balcony which bothered Liam and further limited where our family could sit. A very old heating system meant that early service would be a bit chilly (until the boiler got cranking) and late service would be very warm (because it was cranking well!). We began taking a similar approach to worship that we do to many family outings. We were tag teaming. Juerg stayed home with Liam while I took the girls on Sunday mornings This allowed me to teach Sunday School as well. Juerg worshipped alone on Saturday nights. This sure wasn’t ideal, but at the time, we didn’t feel we had another option.
When we moved to a new home and were deciding what church to attend and what school to send Sophia to, the new and modern church building at St. John’s appealed to us because we knew that it might mean that we could worship as a family. And that is JUST what we have been doing for more than a year now. It is such a blessing!
So here are things that have made a difference for Liam (and all of us!)
There was a very short time when our family was not worshipping together. It had become too difficult. We were members at a church with a beautiful, but old church building. The aisles were too narrow for a wheelchair to remain during the service and the 4 cut out spots for wheelchairs were near large structural posts that made it impossible for Liam to see anything. Liam had become heavy enough that carrying him into church was becoming too much for Juerg and was impossible for me. The church had dim lighting and a very low balcony which bothered Liam and further limited where our family could sit. A very old heating system meant that early service would be a bit chilly (until the boiler got cranking) and late service would be very warm (because it was cranking well!). We began taking a similar approach to worship that we do to many family outings. We were tag teaming. Juerg stayed home with Liam while I took the girls on Sunday mornings This allowed me to teach Sunday School as well. Juerg worshipped alone on Saturday nights. This sure wasn’t ideal, but at the time, we didn’t feel we had another option.
When we moved to a new home and were deciding what church to attend and what school to send Sophia to, the new and modern church building at St. John’s appealed to us because we knew that it might mean that we could worship as a family. And that is JUST what we have been doing for more than a year now. It is such a blessing!
So here are things that have made a difference for Liam (and all of us!)
- We can sit anywhere because the aisles are
huge and his chair can fit at the end of any aisle. This means-
o
Liam
can’t kick the pew in front of him b/c there isn’t one. YAY!
o
Liam
can’t pull the hair of the person in front of him. Again, there isn’t one.
o
We can
be late (time is a big challenge for our family J)
- Liam can see the pastors and the downstairs
choir/worship leaders. He can also see
the people in the balcony and many of the people around him. He actually seems to participate in worship
(in his own way). Often if he seems
agitated or noisy Juerg will whisper and explain what is happening and he
calms.
- The temperature and lighting are even.
- Liam has become so comfortable in our
church that he has attended worship with a full orchestra once and with a band
several times (rather than organ, piano, and traditional style) and has done
okay with them (not well…but okay)
- There is a large narthex and a cry room
that have very large windows and a speaker so that if we DO need to leave the
service (for the next 40 years :))we can still worship.
-Because the building is newer, Liam's wheelchair has easy
access to every part of the building. There are several good options of
places to change him if necessary (although no actual special changing area).
The
staff/congregation/attitude
- The staff are very encouraging with us and
treat Liam with dignity. Our pastors are
kind and friendly with him. The other
worshippers have been very patient with noise and book throwing (Liam’s usual J)
- Liam has been welcomed into Sunday
School. I go with him. It isn’t something that I ever really
considered for Liam, but it has worked incredibly well. Honestly!
He loves it and so do we!
- Everyone at church sees Liam often and this
helps. They have an idea of what to expect from him and they are learning to
interact with him.
What we do
- We always try to sit in the same area of
church. The view is similar then. The sounds bounce similarly. Often even the people around us are
similar. Familiarity helps Liam to know
what is expected.
- We take Liam to church every chance that we
have. We would do this anyway to worship
ourselves and teach our children the habit of regular worship, but it is
especially important so that Liam becomes familiar and comfortable with
worship.
- We bring the same bag every Sunday with Liam’s
books and we allow a certain amount of noise from book bending, kicking feet,
and some “talking” on Liam’s part. Our expectations for Liam’s behavior are
very different than our expectations of our typical children. Other worshippers
have often told us that they are not bothered and, in fact, enjoy sitting near
Liam.
- We do leave when Liam just becomes too
disruptive, but this is not very often.
It is usually only necessary for to leave for a short time and then he
calms and we can return.
- We know that Liam does MUCH better if we
can make it to 8 am worship. He is so
much calmer. If we attend later in the
morning, he will be more active and noisy.
We try to avoid evening church whenever possible or get Liam’s carer to
come and stay home with him. Evening
service almost never goes well for Liam- even the Children’s Christmas Service
is a gamble for our guy. He’s a morning
person J!
- We pray.
A LOT. We know that Liam
understands so much more than he can tell/show us. We pray that through the Word and worship,
Liam’s faith is growing. We pray that we
are being strengthened even though many times we are so distracted with Liam
that we miss a lot of what is being said.
- I very rarely try to do this on my
own. It is hard work with 2 of us, but
when I have done it alone it is so much harder.
If your spouse cannot worship with you, maybe your church can suggest a
church buddy/helper for your family?
Psalm 29:2 Ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name; worship
the LORD in the splendor of holiness.
Psalm 95:6 Oh come, let us worship and bow down; let us kneel
before the LORD, our Maker!
