Conflicting Emotions

There is a poem on the Holy Hen House blog today that I would love for you to head on over and read:

http://www.holyhenhouse.com/the-motherhood-mission-a-poem/

 

I love this writer. She always seems to speak my heart. One verse of this poem especially touched me as I believe that it is the biggest emotional conflict of my life.

 “And as much as I’m tired and dream of the day
  That they’ll be older and wiser and won’t need me this way,
  The truth is that thought brings a tear to my eye.
  And just writing this verse almost makes my heart cry.”

My Liam will always need me this way. (Unless he goes to be with Jesus before I do.) He will always need me to keep him clean, to intuit the needs and wants that he has no words to communicate, to feed him, to soothe him to sleep, even to move his body from one place to another. He will be older, bigger, his medical needs very likely more complex, but his time on earth will never be without the very great need for me that really only small infants usually have for their mothers.

It surprises me then, that on days like today – the 9th birthday of my Sophia, my heart twinges a tiny sad twinge at the thought that she is so very old. Her independence and bright thoughts make me swell with pride and thankfulness to the God who has lent me this darling girl, but it also brings a twinge of sadness at her lack of need for me.

The same is true for my Miriam. She daily learns new things. When she puts on her own coat and shoes and serves herself a snack, I marvel at her teeny tiny little self being so very able. She puts things away. She fends for herself playing with all of the big neighborhood kids. She expresses likes and dislikes and can politely ask for what she needs. I feel that twinge of sadness that she is no longer a baby…Yet, I am so very thankful that these daughters of mine are learning and growing and becoming independent. My heart longs so so badly for my son to have this same typical development, but on this side of heaven he never will.

How can the same mommy who has spent countless hours shedding tears over the fact that her son will never become independent, who begs God to somehow change this earthly plight for her son, feel twinges of sadness at seeing that very independence in her daughters?

 

My heart hurts and my eyes smart just thinking about it…