What NOT to Say

 

What NOT to Say

“10 Things Not to Say to a Woman Expecting Twins”, “7 Comments Not to Say to an Alzheimer  Caregiver”, “10 Things Not to Say to Someone in a Wheelchair”….  The list goes on and on and on. If you are ever on fb or if you google “not to say” you can read hundreds of these guides on what not to say to people in different circumstances.  A friend and I were recently saying that if we compiled all of these the sum would be that we ought not say ANYTHING to ANYONE, ever! 

I read these lists.  I’ve shared them.  Sometimes I roll my eyes and marvel that anyone would say such obviously inappropriate things.  Sometimes I cringe because I have been the speaker of the very words I am reading.  Sometimes I identify with the list because the words written are words that have pained me. 


I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about these lists.  I have wondered if we are too sensitive to words. I have wondered if we are sensitive enough about the words that come out of our own mouths. Why are the words of another person so powerful in our lives?  Why do we fixate and hurt over and thrill at their words yet often the words of our Most High God, given to us in Scripture, are fleeting in our minds?   I think about this especially because I am a talker.  I talk.  And talk.  And talk.  I also love to hear the thoughts of others and I pray all the time that God will help me to keep my own mouth quiet long enough to hear their thoughts.  I often find myself - hours after a conversation - remembering what someone else said and maveling at her wisdom and thoughfulness.  After reading and pondering so many of these lists I felt compelled to share my own list of three. 
                                   

                                    Three Thoughts on Lists of "What Not to Say"


 1) These lists give us good insight into how to be as loving and sensitive as possible when we are speaking to others.
 

2) We need to be actively trying to hear people in the most loving and sensitive way possible.  

3)The only words that really matter are those of our God.
 

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These lists give us good insight into how to be as loving and sensitive as possible when we are speaking to others. 

When we read these lists we become aware of how others are thinking and feeling.  We become aware of the challenges they face and the words that they feel sensitive about.  We can use this to change the way that we talk and to try to really empathize with others.  We will never know and understand all the challenges and sensitivities of those we are speaking with.  We can bet that every single person we meet in this sin-hurting world has been touched by difficulty and sorrow.  We also know that each person is the dearly beloved of our Savior.  Knowing this and keeping this in our minds will help us to treat each person with sensitivity and kindness.  Sometimes we will make mistakes.  Mistakes made with humility and a gentle, loving attitude are more easily forgiven than mistakes made without.  If you are aware that you have been insensitive, then apologize.  A sincere apology and a loving attitude cover so many things. 

We need to actively try to hear people in the most loving and sensitive way possible.  This means that we try to take their words in the kindest way possible.  This is NOT EASY.  

Whenever I think about this I think of my Liam’s diagnosis time.  When Liam was diagnosed all of his paperwork and his doctors talked about symptoms of his syndrome and one of these was described as “severe to profound mental retardation”.  Our papers said this.   The doctors said this.  So I did too.  Then I talked with other special needs families and our therapy staff.  They did NOT say this.  They all said “cognitive disability”.  Over the years, our medical staff has changed their terminology and so have I.  Now we all say “cognitive disability”.  I actually get a twisted stomach when I read or hear the words “mental retardation”.   When I hear the the word “retard” used by itself…  OH MAN!!!  These are times that I pray that God guides my words and controls my hurt and anger! 

Interestingly, many intelligent, kind, and educated people are unaware of this word sensitivity that I (and many in the world of special needs) have.   I have been in professional situations with adults who have referred to themselves as “a computer retard” or a “gardening retard” and I find that I instantly lose some respect for them.  Yet I also question myself.  Why is a word so important that an excellent and respectable professional would now lose some of my respect because of a wrong choice of words?  I believe that this is a problem with my thinking. 

I do think that we should strive to use correct words when referring to things.  As professionals we ought to be up to date as well on how these words uses change.  However, as listeners we bear the responsibility of CHOOSING what we allow to offend us. 

If I am really seeking to understand the circumstances of those I am interacting with, doesn’t that include understanding those of the person talking – perhaps especially when s/he says words that I don’t like?  I can consider how the speaker meant it and what her/his attitude and intent was.  If I am looking to be sensitive and offended, I will certainly find things to be bothered about.  We always choose our reactions and I believe that we train our feelings.  At the beginning I had no bad reaction to “mental retardation” (other than that it felt devastating) but now, after years of believing that it is negative and inappropriate I feel just awful when I have to look at this terminology or hear it.  That has been a shift in my thinking.  I have trained myself to find this offensive and I will tell you that I spend plenty of time feeling sad and hurt over this silly word - and plenty of time trying to talk myself out of being sad and upset over it too!

The only words that really matter are those of our God.

The Bible clearly tells us how we should approach our interactions with others.

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James 1: 19  My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry...

It tells us what our priorities for our whole life - including what we talk about, listen to and think - ought to be. 

Matthew 6: 33  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Proverbs 22: 17-18  Pay attention and turn your ear to the sayings of the wise;  apply your heart to what I teach...

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Although I wrote should, we don't approach our lives and interactions like this out of a law motivation.  That would mean that we do this just because we are supposed to.  End of story. 

Thankfully for us something incredible happens when we have faith in our Savior.  When we learn of Jesus' suffering death and hell for us and the Holy Spirit takes residence in our hearts, we are able to love others with love that God gives us.  He lives in us and his love overflows from us.  We are able to love even those who we find offensive and unlovable because we know that EVEN while we were offensive and unlovable God loved us enough to sacrifice his own Son.  The perfect God of the universe who HATES sin, loved us so very much.  With that knowledge and faith in Jesus' death and resurrection and because of the Holy Spirit working in our hearts, we can overlook and love those who offend.  We can focus on the words that matter - those of our God.  We can focus on God's Words and God's actions that are recorded in our Bibles.  We can spend our time thinking and rethinking who our God is and what he has done.  Through God's Word, we are changed and he makes us able to be less affected by the words of fellow men.  Today we pray that each of us is focused more on God's Words than on the words of our fellow men.