Good Grief

2/19/11

GOOD GRIEF!!! This was a favorite statement in Peanuts cartoons and one that I find myself saying from time to time. I tried to find the derivation of the statement, but didn't have much luck. You see, I have been thinking about grief lately a lot. Not just any grief, but the grief that hits me like waves and leaves me gasping to catch my breath. Specifically, I have been thinking about my grief over Liam's diagnosis and the reality of our life with mecp2 duplication syndrome.

Maybe you are thinking "Wait a minute, is this diagnosis something new?" No, you are right. The diagnosis is over 2 years old. While life has moved on and our lives are filled with daily joys and blessings, I find that every time I think that I have come to terms with our "new normal" I am mistaken. CS Lewis wrote, "Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape. As I've already noted, not every bend does. Sometimes the surprise is the opposite one; you are presented with exactly the same sort of country you thought you had left behind miles ago. That is when you wonder whether the valley isn't a circular trench. But it isn't. There are partial recurrences, but the sequence doesn't repeat."

I think that grief in itself is not the real problem. We are human and we will feel grief. When Jesus was on earth, his most beloved friends felt grief when their brother Lazarus died. He did not reprimand them for it. The Bible tells us that he wept too. But the devil, sneaky liar that he is, worms his way in when we are weak with grief and whispers his lies in our ears. Often grief leads us to take our eyes off of our Almighty God and to focus them on the object of our grief or maybe on ourselves and the way that we are feeling.

I am at that place as I write this. I struggle to keep my eyes in focus on my God. As I listen to the lies, the devil gets a foothold.

The lazier that I become about reading God’s Word and worshipping, the more my focus shifts to my own sadness, the louder those whispers become…

• “Look at that mom….a whole family of healthy kids and another on the way. Why does God bless her and not you?”
• “That boy is just Liam’s age. If only Liam could…”
• “Normal families don’t have to struggle through hours in waiting rooms and doctor offices! This stinks!”
• “You are 36. Time is ticking away and your family isn’t what you had hoped.”

And the more I listen, my discontent grows and the whispers which are becoming louder and louder become about gripes that are more and more trivial. I find that I am no longer just sad about Liam’s diagnosis, but I am resentful and angry over a host of small things. The devils’ lies have become my focus and I am miserable.

Our Women’s Bible study has been studying the women that are mentioned in the book of Luke. The first two that we studied were Elizabeth and Mary. By earthly terms neither of these women had an outstanding life. Elizabeth spent the prime of her life as a barren woman. I wonder if you had met her the week before the Angel Gabriel came with his news what she’d have described her life as. Did she feel that life had let her down? What was her attitude? What would have been her emotional state? The Bible doesn’t share this with us, but does share the fact that Elizabeth clearly believed Gabriel because she said the words “His name is John” when the neighbors wanted to name the baby Zechariah. Scripture also shares Mary’s attitude of Godly submission when, in the face of many difficulties that she would experience because of this pre-marriage pregnancy, her words were “Let it be to me as you have said.”

I would like to tell you that I am like these women. Sadly, I am not. In fact, reading these accounts lately has caused me to bristle a bit. These woman and their (seemingly) easy submission to God’s will even make me a bit angry. Why were they so cooperative? They couldn’t see the big picture any better than I can. Is it easier to have that attitude of submission if an angel visits you? I continually pray to become like these women. But truthfully, right now I don’t even like hearing about them. I much prefer to hear the stories of David and Jonah. These are the ones that soothe my guilty heart. These were men who ran from God, hid from him, made stupid decisions – sometimes decisions that hurt or killed others. Boy, reading about them makes me feel loads and loads better!!!! You see, they did wrong, even terrible things, but they loved the Lord. They took their eyes off of Him and believed the devil’s lies. They repented and God still used them and their lives for His glory. This is music to my sin-filled, pity party ears!!! Forgiveness. It is the greatest gift he could give to David and Jonah. Through Jesus, God gives his forgiveness to us too. Such an amazing gift for sinners who often can’t seem to keep their focus on Him – and yet God did not stop with forgiveness!!!

You see David and Jonah prayed to God. They spent time in His word and with Him. And as they did this, slowly their own wills became more like God’s. The things that God wanted for them and planned to do through them became things that they also willed. God lived in their hearts and their wills changed. Then God used them to carry out His plan.

God will do the same with me and you. He changes our hearts and then uses us to carry out his work. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. FOR WHAT IS SEEN IS TEMPORARY, BUT WHAT IS UNSEEN IS ETERNAL.”

I really think that this will be a lifelong battle for me, as Liam’s mom, in a different way than it will be for a Christian who doesn’t have a child with special needs. Just as CS Lewis said, this grief doesn’t go away. There is no time frame or ending in my sight. Just as Liam gives our family great joy with his loving personality and each of his hard-earned milestones, every part of this journey is filled with daily reminders that this wasn’t what we had expected or hoped for. We dearly love him, but we also mourn all the typical parts of life that won’t ever be part of Liam’s. Not only that, but I constantly find myself mourning the loss of the big family that I had hoped to have. These are things that cause real grief and I know that Jesus weeps with me over these.

Yet I also know from the pages of Scripture that there is a much bigger picture - one that only my Shepherd can see. So as my heart aches, rather than listening to the foe, I will let myself be folded into my shepherd’s embrace and let him soothe my tears. With my eyes fixed on that dear Shepherd, I will pray, Lord change my heart. Change all of our hearts and use us for your purposes. Help our wills to become more like your good and perfect will.

Sources

CS Lewis, A Grief Observed. New York, HarperOne, 2001