Talking with other moms whose children have special needs and reading their essays, books, and blogs, I've noticed they often mention that well-meaning friends and acquaintances tend to say certain things to them. Some of the favorites seem to be "God only gives these special kids to special mothers" and "God knows you are strong enough to handle a child with special needs." I cannot count how many times I have heard or read such statements! They cause many thoughts to run through my head.
I wonder if these people have any idea of the fear and grief that my heart feels each day? I know what it is to look forward to my typical child's future, but when I imagine Liam's adulthood, I feel huge amounts of fear. I feel fear that he WON'T live to be an adult. I feel fear that he WILL live to be an adult who cannot walk, cannot care for himself, and must be diapered. I have great amounts of anxiety over what that will mean for my life. In fact, my fear about Liam's future is so great that I consciously do not allow myself to think about it! So while I dream about my little girl's future, I don't even go more than a year out with Liam! Because of the fear and anxiety that I have, my motto with Liam is "one day at a time." These doesn't really sound like the thoughts of the "special and very strong" person that people seem to think has a child with special needs.
My fear about the future is only one aspect of my weakness. I won’t begin to list them all for you, but I will assure you there are MANY! I have quite a network of friends whose children also have special needs, and all of our sentiments seem similar. Although we can each look around us and see abundant blessings, inside there is a part of us that is WEAK, EXHAUSTED, WORRIED, AND TERRIFIED.
So I wonder if REALLY the opposite is true about the "strong, special" parents of kids with special needs. Maybe God chose us not because of our specialness or strength, but because we have weaknesses in certain areas. Please hear me correctly: I certainly do not mean that we were chosen as a punishment for certain weaknesses. Rather, maybe God allowed the challenges associated with parenting our children into our lives, not because we are so special or so strong, but because in our weakness HE will be glorified. This is true of other challenges in life; why wouldn't it be true of ours?
When Paul is talking about the "thorn in his flesh" he says, "But he (the Lord) said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Cor. 12:9-10).
Gideon is a perfect example of the Lord’s power being made perfect in human weakness. During his time, the Israelites were in the hands of the Midianites. The LORD went to Gideon and, after calling him a mighty warrior, told him, "Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian’s hand. Am I not sending you?” (Judges 6:14). I can imagine that Gideon was in total shock. Maybe Gideon thought that God got the wrong guy – mistaken identity? Gideon immediately reminded God that not only was he the weakest in his family, but his family was from the weakest tribe. What an illogical choice he was. Human thinking says, "Really, is this the man whom God chose to save Israel?!" The Lord's answer is "I will be with you. . . . Peace! Do not be afraid." (Judges 6:16,23).
How many times have I reminded the Lord that, like Gideon, I am not the right choice for this “special” assignment? My list of reasons that I am ill prepared to mother a child with special needs is at least 100 items long. I remind God of these reasons (and of all of the things that I WAS prepared for - all the typical milestones and growing pains), and his answer in scripture is "Am I not sending you?"
We don’t know if God chose us because of our weaknesses or despite them. Truly, it doesn’t matter. We do know that he has given each of us a child with special needs. We know all of the unexpected ways that our child has blessed our lives, but we also know that our dreams and plans have changed because of this special blessing. God doesn’t put us on this path and desert us. He promises to go with us, just as he promised Gideon. He promises not to give us more than we can bear. He promises to carry us when the load gets too heavy.
It didn’t matter to God what Gideon’s qualifications were or what tribe he was from, nor does it matter what our weaknesses are. What matters is who God is and what his strengths are.
Author Max Lucado uses the story of a commercial flight as an example of this.
“I write these words on an airplane. A late airplane. An airplane different from the one to which I was originally assigned. My first flight was cancelled for mechanical difficulty. I and a few dozen not-so-happy campers were down-loaded onto another plane. As we checked into the new flight, I heard many of my fellow passengers ask, is this plane ok? Any mechanical flaws with this 747? We were full of questions about the plane’s ability to fly, but the attendant had no questions about our ability to do the same. Not once were we asked, 'How about you? Can you fly? Can you flap your arms and get airborne?'"
"Bizarre questions. My ability to fly is not important. My strength is immaterial. I’m counting on the plane to get me home, hence I inquire as to its strength."
"Need I make the connection? Your achievements, however noble, are not important. Your credentials, as remarkable as they may be, are of no concern. God is the force behind this journey. His strength is the key factor. Focus not on your strength, but his. Occupy yourself with the nature of God, not the size of your bicep.” (Max Lucado, Entering His Presence)
The pages of Scripture contain so many other examples of God being glorified through human weakness. David the little shepherd boy, equipped with stones and a sling, is able to kill the giant. God’s strength is shown through human weakness. Moses, who like Gideon tells God that he is not equipped to lead the Israelites, is able to do exactly that and do it well! God’s strength is shown through human weakness. Solomon feels ill equipped to lead and prays to God for wisdom. I Kings tells us that people from all over the world sought out Solomon because of his great wisdom. God’s strength is shown through human weakness. Mary, a young virgin girl, becomes the mother of the Savior. God’s strength is shown through human weakness. Saul, a vicious persecutor of Christians, becomes Paul, who shares Jesus with countless hearts. God’s strength is shown through human weakness.
These examples and many more in Scripture show us how God repeatedly chooses to work through human weakness to show his glory. Why do I share this with you? I want you to know that we don’t have to be these amazing, strong, special moms and dads who can do it all.
Gideon and his small, weak army defeated the great Midianites with only their voices. In God, Gideon was able!
God knows our weak nature and loves us anyway. He feeds us regularly through his Word and the sacraments to strengthen us and refocus our wandering eyes. We don’t need to depend on ourselves or our own strength or specialness. God does it all for us. He saved us, once and for all, on Calvary’s mountain. Whenever and wherever we are exposed to his Word, the Holy Spirit is hard at work in our hearts, changing them. God will do his work. We don’t need to be amazing, special, or strong by our own might. We need only to be his. In the safety of his strong arms, our weaknesses don’t matter. He will hold us up. Beyond that, he will work in our hearts and lives to accomplish his great purposes. In him, we are as able as Gideon and the heroes of the Bible. In him, we can do whatever he has called us to do.
Praise be to our God who is able and strong! May his strength be shown in our weaknesses.
I wonder if these people have any idea of the fear and grief that my heart feels each day? I know what it is to look forward to my typical child's future, but when I imagine Liam's adulthood, I feel huge amounts of fear. I feel fear that he WON'T live to be an adult. I feel fear that he WILL live to be an adult who cannot walk, cannot care for himself, and must be diapered. I have great amounts of anxiety over what that will mean for my life. In fact, my fear about Liam's future is so great that I consciously do not allow myself to think about it! So while I dream about my little girl's future, I don't even go more than a year out with Liam! Because of the fear and anxiety that I have, my motto with Liam is "one day at a time." These doesn't really sound like the thoughts of the "special and very strong" person that people seem to think has a child with special needs.
My fear about the future is only one aspect of my weakness. I won’t begin to list them all for you, but I will assure you there are MANY! I have quite a network of friends whose children also have special needs, and all of our sentiments seem similar. Although we can each look around us and see abundant blessings, inside there is a part of us that is WEAK, EXHAUSTED, WORRIED, AND TERRIFIED.
So I wonder if REALLY the opposite is true about the "strong, special" parents of kids with special needs. Maybe God chose us not because of our specialness or strength, but because we have weaknesses in certain areas. Please hear me correctly: I certainly do not mean that we were chosen as a punishment for certain weaknesses. Rather, maybe God allowed the challenges associated with parenting our children into our lives, not because we are so special or so strong, but because in our weakness HE will be glorified. This is true of other challenges in life; why wouldn't it be true of ours?
When Paul is talking about the "thorn in his flesh" he says, "But he (the Lord) said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Cor. 12:9-10).
Gideon is a perfect example of the Lord’s power being made perfect in human weakness. During his time, the Israelites were in the hands of the Midianites. The LORD went to Gideon and, after calling him a mighty warrior, told him, "Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian’s hand. Am I not sending you?” (Judges 6:14). I can imagine that Gideon was in total shock. Maybe Gideon thought that God got the wrong guy – mistaken identity? Gideon immediately reminded God that not only was he the weakest in his family, but his family was from the weakest tribe. What an illogical choice he was. Human thinking says, "Really, is this the man whom God chose to save Israel?!" The Lord's answer is "I will be with you. . . . Peace! Do not be afraid." (Judges 6:16,23).
How many times have I reminded the Lord that, like Gideon, I am not the right choice for this “special” assignment? My list of reasons that I am ill prepared to mother a child with special needs is at least 100 items long. I remind God of these reasons (and of all of the things that I WAS prepared for - all the typical milestones and growing pains), and his answer in scripture is "Am I not sending you?"
We don’t know if God chose us because of our weaknesses or despite them. Truly, it doesn’t matter. We do know that he has given each of us a child with special needs. We know all of the unexpected ways that our child has blessed our lives, but we also know that our dreams and plans have changed because of this special blessing. God doesn’t put us on this path and desert us. He promises to go with us, just as he promised Gideon. He promises not to give us more than we can bear. He promises to carry us when the load gets too heavy.
It didn’t matter to God what Gideon’s qualifications were or what tribe he was from, nor does it matter what our weaknesses are. What matters is who God is and what his strengths are.
Author Max Lucado uses the story of a commercial flight as an example of this.
“I write these words on an airplane. A late airplane. An airplane different from the one to which I was originally assigned. My first flight was cancelled for mechanical difficulty. I and a few dozen not-so-happy campers were down-loaded onto another plane. As we checked into the new flight, I heard many of my fellow passengers ask, is this plane ok? Any mechanical flaws with this 747? We were full of questions about the plane’s ability to fly, but the attendant had no questions about our ability to do the same. Not once were we asked, 'How about you? Can you fly? Can you flap your arms and get airborne?'"
"Bizarre questions. My ability to fly is not important. My strength is immaterial. I’m counting on the plane to get me home, hence I inquire as to its strength."
"Need I make the connection? Your achievements, however noble, are not important. Your credentials, as remarkable as they may be, are of no concern. God is the force behind this journey. His strength is the key factor. Focus not on your strength, but his. Occupy yourself with the nature of God, not the size of your bicep.” (Max Lucado, Entering His Presence)
The pages of Scripture contain so many other examples of God being glorified through human weakness. David the little shepherd boy, equipped with stones and a sling, is able to kill the giant. God’s strength is shown through human weakness. Moses, who like Gideon tells God that he is not equipped to lead the Israelites, is able to do exactly that and do it well! God’s strength is shown through human weakness. Solomon feels ill equipped to lead and prays to God for wisdom. I Kings tells us that people from all over the world sought out Solomon because of his great wisdom. God’s strength is shown through human weakness. Mary, a young virgin girl, becomes the mother of the Savior. God’s strength is shown through human weakness. Saul, a vicious persecutor of Christians, becomes Paul, who shares Jesus with countless hearts. God’s strength is shown through human weakness.
These examples and many more in Scripture show us how God repeatedly chooses to work through human weakness to show his glory. Why do I share this with you? I want you to know that we don’t have to be these amazing, strong, special moms and dads who can do it all.
Gideon and his small, weak army defeated the great Midianites with only their voices. In God, Gideon was able!
God knows our weak nature and loves us anyway. He feeds us regularly through his Word and the sacraments to strengthen us and refocus our wandering eyes. We don’t need to depend on ourselves or our own strength or specialness. God does it all for us. He saved us, once and for all, on Calvary’s mountain. Whenever and wherever we are exposed to his Word, the Holy Spirit is hard at work in our hearts, changing them. God will do his work. We don’t need to be amazing, special, or strong by our own might. We need only to be his. In the safety of his strong arms, our weaknesses don’t matter. He will hold us up. Beyond that, he will work in our hearts and lives to accomplish his great purposes. In him, we are as able as Gideon and the heroes of the Bible. In him, we can do whatever he has called us to do.
Praise be to our God who is able and strong! May his strength be shown in our weaknesses.
Amen! and Thank you!! Beautifully said :)
ReplyDeleteWonderful insights, Wendy! Thanks for your transparency!
ReplyDeleteMy husband recently found your blog and I've been reading it little by little. I can only take so much reading about our son's diagnosis in one sitting. He is 2 and was just diagnosed last week. Thank you for your uplifting posts. The only thing getting me through this so far is my faith. I am so encouraged to read about your journey and view it with the light of the gospel shining through.
ReplyDeleteSarah, That is how I felt at the beginning. I think that sometimes I would read too much or once I talked to a mom on the phone whose son was about 10. I was sad and angry and in terrible shape after. Just take it as it comes.
DeleteTHANK GOD for your faith. Thank GOD! How else would we do this?
ALSO, know that your son will give you joy in ways that you can't imagine. Our Liam lights up a room and is such a delight.
When you are ready there is a mecp2 duplication family talk page on fb that is a good forum for families. But there is a ton of medical and emotional stuff posted there, so do be ready before you head over.
I am glad you found this! May God continue to strengthen you on this journey!